Putting positive psychology to work with your partner and all close relationships
All the following sub-headings are written in relation to a current partner; however, you will be able to see that many of the factors, questions and exercises apply equally to all close relationships, friendships and colleagues. As you work through the rest of the chapter, keep in mind a variety of people in your life that you would like a better relationship with.
1. Interest
Stop and think about how much interest you show your partner.
- What fun do you bring to your partner’s life?
- What are they currently concerned about?
- How interested are you in their goals?
- Do you share adventures?
- Do you know how to surprise your partner?
- Find out something from your partner you didn’t know; get curious but not intrusive.
Seeing the good and talking to and about people positively, sharing and showing interest, matters very much in all relationships but most especially in romantic and long-term relationships.
2. Recognising your partner’s and others’ strengths
Write your top five strengths and your partner’s top five strengths.
- Which do you share?
- Which are different?
- How can you honour your partner’s strengths?
- What is your partner’s most important emotional need?
- How could your answers become actions?
3. Gratitude
Appreciating someone is part of really seeing them and what their being in your life gives you.
- Write down five things you love best about your partner.
- Now decide to tell them this week.
- What are you most grateful to them for?
- Tell them in a letter.
- What are you grateful for learning about yourself from a close relationship?
Variety is the spice of life and applies to every aspect of your life!
- How can you surprise your partner this week that shows how much you know them, accept them, and love them?
- What would be the most exciting thing your partner could do for you?
- What would it be like to tell them?
5. Look for the positive
Just as we adapt to our surroundings and situations (the problem of the hedonic treadmill),so we can forget aspects of our partner that were once new and exciting.
- What first attracted you to your partner?
- Who were you then?
- What excited you?
6. Keep the bad things specific and the good things universal
Which two of the following four statements are you most likely
to say?
2. My partner was kind today because I needed help.
3. My partner was late because he/she missed their train, or
4. My partner always lets me down.
If you answered that you agree with 1 and 3 you are more positive than if you answered that you agree with 2 and 4.
7. Celebration
Celebrating and sharing good things is a very important aspect of positive relationships. Sharing good things can be done well and encourage trust and intimacy. We all know how good it feels when someone says well done, but it can feel even better when the ‘well done’ is well done!
Being positive and supportive involves responding to good news in a genuine constructive reaction that actively acknowledges the other and celebrates the event with them. Psychologist Shelly Gable has shown that this is vital to the health and well-being of all relationships but particularly builds intimacy and trust.
